The Stupida File

 

While I was rummaging the drawer for Platinum KTV’s price list, which, by the way, turned out to be unsuccessful, I surprisingly got a hold of something that should have long been buried and burned: the draft of my Stupida entry. Hehehe. So, for the sake of reliving the moment, here it is once again.

 

I’m sure may mga nakaalala nito sa inyo.

 

 

March 16, 2008

 

Last week…

Nag-YM ka sa ‘kin dahil may get-together. Buti na lang. Buti na lang at naalala mo pa akong imbitahin. Actually nasabihan na rin ako ni M tungkol dun, hindi nga lang malinaw yung mga detalye. Kasi hindi ko alam kung sinu-sino ba tayo tsaka ilan. May kutob ako na kasama ang barkada mo, pero keber lang. At totoo nga. Yun pala get-together yun ng barkada mo, andun ang ex mo, at sumama naman ako. Gaga Part 1. Hay…bakit pa ba ‘ko sumama?

 

Kagabi…

…ang get-together. Hindi pala nakapunta si M. At sa grupo natin maliban sa kanya, ako lang ang sinama mo. Napagkasunduan pala natin na sasabay ako sa’yo, at akala ko naman na ako lang. Pero dahil maraming namamatay sa maling akala, pwedeng pwede na ‘ko mamatay nung malaman ko na susunduin mo pa pala ang ex mo!  Gaga Part 2. Pero siyempre keber lang. NR kumbaga. Pero deep inside gustung-gusto ko na bumaba ng auto mo at maglakad pabalik sa ‘min.

 

Culture shock. Exclusive pala ang get-together. At partner-partner kayo. Hayop. Gaga Part 3.

 

Fast forward. Kainan, inuman/tagayan (with games), tawanan…at siyempre uwian. Hindi pala mag-oovernight ang ex mo dun sa apartment ng mga kaibigan mo, at kailangan mo siyang ihatid. Dahil obliged ka na ihatid mo siya. Pinapasama mo pa ‘ko sa inyo. Amputsa. At dahil hindi ko gawain ang umepal, nagpaiwan na lang ako kasama nila. Naiwan. Iniwan. At iniisip ko pa nun na baka bumalik ka pa, pero hindi. Gaga Part 4. Letseng gabi ‘to.

 

Ngayon…

Naghintay ako sa text mo. Wala. Hindi ako nakatiis kaya ako na ang nagtext sa’yo. Ang sabi ko, “Ei thank u pla khpn.ü Sna nkauwi kyo ng maayos kgbi & sna ok na kyo n K.ü” At siyempre umasa naman ako na magrereply ka. Gaga Part 5. Hay…

 

At hindi ka nga nagreply. Kahit ni isang simpleng thank you o sorry, pwede na. Pwede na sa ‘kin yun. Okay na sa ‘kin. Basta magreply ka lang! Kahit isang reply! Pero kahit ni isa wala! Wala. Lintik na yan. Hindi mo man lang ako kinamusta o kahit tinanong man lang kung nakauwi ba ‘ko ng maayos, kung naligaw ba ‘ko o hindi, kung buhay pa ba ‘ko. Puta.

 

Kaya ayun emote to the highest level na naman ako. At habang andun ako sa terrace namin at nag-eemote, biglang sabay segue ng kantang “How Do I Live” na hindi ko alam kung saang lupalop nanggaling! Hoy manong, yung speakers ng padyak niyo ang lakas! Okay sa olrayt naman ang timing! Grabe.

 

Sabi ko pa sa sarili ko eh ano naman kung hindi ka nagreply. So what kung hindi?! Pero hindi pwede. Dapat meron kang sabihin kahit thank you o sorry man lang. Pero wala eh. Wala talaga. O di ba, sobrang nakaka-frustrate. Gusto talaga kitang tirisin, sakalin, patayin.

 

 

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

 

10 Commandments for Total Happiness

by Kimberly Bonnell and Pamela Redmond Satran

Glamour Magazine, May 2008

 

 

1. Act your shoe size. Whatever it was you loved doing as a kid, start doing it again.

2. When it comes to sex, listen to your body, but give your brain emergency veto power.

3. Preserve your little rituals: 9 A.M. cinnamon lattes, Sunday pedicures, August girls’ getaways.

4. Miss no occasion where there will be great music and everybody dancing.

5. Celebrate silly-versaries: your first paycheck, first kiss, first caviar.

6. Manage your expectations. A galaxy-size gap between what you expect someone to do and what they’re capable of doing will only bum both of you out.

7. Have an in-case-of-emergency-break-glass outfit in your closet – something that makes you feel appropriate and awesome.

8. Fake it till you feel it. Acting more confident, outgoing or enthusiastic can make any wallflower bloom.

9. Don’t try to fix everything or always have the answers. Just know how to listen.

10. Be nice to mean people. Watch as they become confused!

 

 

Much Ado

 

I’ll be turning 25 this November. Unfortunately. And an invisible force is shoving me to embrace every excruciating fact of what they call the Quarter-life Crisis. Shit.

 

At seven in the morning I was still wide awake in bed, when I should be sound asleep. My aunt called, and I heard every bit of familiar conversation of her with my mom. The topic? Marriage. Ugh. I was screaming “not again” in my mind. Fortunately, it wasn’t mine. Thank God. But I’ve been through this, and the casual tête-à-tête at Délifrance in a mall was hell. Talk about suffocating pressure and arranged marriages in the presence of my mom, aunt, and cousins while overlooking at a table of an affluent happy Chinese couple with the contented grandparents and their five bratty boys, each tagging along a nanny. It’s just ridiculous. Too fucking ridiculous. And it doesn’t stop there.

 

Marriage makes me cringe, and I feel like some kind of a wealthy and worldly bachelor who’s trying to escape every means of it. Except that I'm not wealthy nor worldly in any way. Hehehe. Nevertheless, it’s a huge word, and the thoughts that come with it make it even larger than life. True, its ideal and harsh realities are inevitable no matter how you push it aside. We’re all gonna go there sooner or later. So what’s the fuss all about?

 

What if it doesn’t come along your way? What if it’s not intended for all? Time is ticking. Now, that’s paranoia. Double shit.

 

Of course, I’m gonna get married, and I will get married. I have to get married. But not now. Not just yet. I still have to look for my wealthy and slightly worldly bachelor.

 

 

Forgive, Forget

 

Forgive and forget, forgive or forget...

I'm often faced with these choices, and phrases like these are no newcomers to me. Sometimes, they would be thrown to me together with a bunch of asinine queries in some survey that I find interesting to answer. Sometimes, I would be forced to choose like when a friend would hysterically ask me in a matter of life and death. What comes to mind though is that are they really difficult choices? Contrary to some, I don't find them to be.

I spent the previous night having late dinner with friends whom I haven’t seen and spoke with for quite some time. Some came, some didn’t. It was unfortunate because not all of us were there. We were no match to their hectic schedules. Still, we had fun. Pure clean fun. We dined, took photos, shared some laughs, stories, jokes, thoughts, and then we went home, which is quite contradicting to what we usually did whenever we hung out. Lying in bed, I thought about this person who didn’t come. Never did I anticipate the arrival since there was no assurance either. Well, maybe a little. But I didn’t think that the absence is a waste though. I just thought that it would’ve been nice for her to be there, for her to make it. We all wanted to see her. I wanted to see her. While pondering, I thought about all of the things this person did to me, and I’m still wondering why I was able to let everything go without hating her so. Did I forget? No. Forgive? I strongly believe so.

 

I remember my high school freshman days. I got into a very shallow misunderstanding with one of the most popular girls in school over a boy that jeopardized our friendship. I told her a secret of which she wily used to her advantage. She won, technically. That’s a given fact. I mean, how could I even compete with the It Girl/Girl Next Door/Crush ng Bayan? Not a single damn chance. She’s pretty, has this porcelain-like complexion, and everybody just loves her. Well, I despised her. The mere sight of her tormented me day after day. My agony reached the height of wanting to transfer schools because I didn’t want to see her face ever again. I still can’t imagine the amount of insecurities she had brought upon me that lasted until my college sophomore days. There was no closure actually, but it left us an unspeakable gap ever since. But it’s true that only time can erase all wounds, and along with that comes acceptance. Accepting that there will always be people better than me; accepting that no matter what I do, nothing’s going to change; and accepting that some things are just not meant to be.

 

I learned a lot from this experience. I never thought that something this shallow and dense could bring forth so much enlightenment. It’s true that with acceptance comes forgiveness. You just have to suck it all in and see things just as they should be. Because oftentimes, pride overrides acceptance, making it even harder to forgive. But when you do forgive, you also tend to forget. Forget in a sense that you are willing to let everything pass, to let everything go. You disregard the pain, the tears, the troubles, the burden, the importance, the joy, the efforts, the frustrations, the bitterness. You become unmindful; not because of numbness, but of acceptance. That everything is just a thing of the past, like nothing seems to matter anymore. But then, you don’t really forget...not unless you have amnesia.

 

 

Anonymous

 

To Whom This May Concern:

You know who you are. I don't want to name-drop because that would be unethical, and I want to spare you the humiliation as well. But if your goal is to irritate and annoy me to the maximum level, well, you've won. You really, really get into my nerves. You are totally pissing me off. Honestly, I don't want to hate you. But you are doing every possible way you can for me to have a good reason to dislike you even more. Are you numb or just dumb? Isn't it pretty obvious that I don't want to talk to you?! Or even see you for that matter. The mere sight of you makes me nauseous.

I'm not stupid. I know your intentions. You want attention. My attention, affection and admiration. Let's face it because that's the truth. I really don't want to say this because that would make me an airy, selfish and insensitive bitch. But you are giving me eligible reasons to do this, and to be a bitch. Most especially if you're stalking me online, adding my friends and relatives to your contacts/friends' list when you don't even friggin' know them, and slurring nonsense flowery words and disgustingly cheesy pick-up remarks at me. You gross me out.

Just so you know, I don't think I'm obliged to reciprocate anything just because you had your sentimental confessions. The feeling is not mutual. Period. If you still have your great expectations, that's your problem. As far as I'm concerned, we have a very civil kind of friendship. This is your chance to keep it or blow it. Your call.

 

A Beautiful Release

 

I got a text message from a friend and here's how it goes:

'The Law of Science: "Nothing is displaced unless it is replaced." Translated into The Law of Love: "You'll fall out of love only if you fall for someone else."'

So true.

Lately, I found a disturbing little distraction. Finally. Thank God. I so badly need it.

It's like high school all over again: hearts and butterflies aflutter. So cheesy and corny, I know. But I'm happy. Really.

It's not much but it's enough. An amusement of some sort.

Now, if I could just not let that distraction derange me before anything gets too serious or worse.

 

Usapang Kulasa

 

Pagkatapos ng 3 taon after ako mag-graduate, ngayon na lang ulit ako napadaan sa may St. Scho dahil yung tita ko eh may kelangang idaan sa kumare niya na nakatira malapit dun. At wow! Ang ganda na ng Immaculate Concepcion! Yung dorm sa tapat ng school sosyal na! Mukha na talaga siyang dorm in fairness. Hehe. At yung Migui's dati sa baba nun eh Migui's Cafe na! Naka-aircon na din! Asenso! Samantalang dati di kumpleto ang breakfast, lunch, merienda at dinner nang hindi tumatagaktak ang pawis mo. Pero oks lang kasi masarap talaga sila magluto. Walang sinabi yung mga pagkain sa canteen. Wala na yung maliit na powder-type xerox stall sa tabi ng Migui's dati kundi napalitan na ng malaking Mini Stop.

Renovated na din yung facade ng St. Scho, at alam ko marami na din pati sa loob. Balita ko wala ng Pergola, yung tamabayan ng prep, grade/high school at college students pag naghihintay ng oras, teacher/professor, classmate/s o sundo. Nye. Corny na. Pano kasi pag sinabi mong Pergola alam at maiisip mo agad ang St. Scho. Associated na ba. Vintage yung mga green benches dun. Kopong kopong pa ata yung mga yun. Astig daw yung sa Mass Comm Department. Ewan ko kung anong hitsura pero sobrang ganda na daw ng mga facilities pati na din nung building. Kahit na, dami pa ding mumu dun. Unless ilaga nila sa holy water yung building o yung school mismo. Hehe. Balita ko si Carbon na din daw ang head sa Student Affairs Office o SAO. No comment.

Sa Estrada at Vito Cruz dami na din bagong buildings, pati yung mga streets sa likod ng school na hindi ko alam dami na ding establishments. Pero sobrang panalo sa lahat yung Providence. Buhay pa hanggang ngayon. Halos alam yun ng lahat. Pano mura videoke. Hehe. Noon hanggang ngayon 5 pesos kada kanta pa din ata dun. Sunog baga mo kahit di ka nagyoyosi. Dati iba-iba ang crowd. Ngayon parang iisa na lang. Exclusive. Culture shock sayo pag di ka sanay.

Tahimik tsaka malinis kasi Linggo at bakasyon. Pero pag may pasok, umpisa nanaman ang mga papampam ng Benilde. Lupit ng mga tsikot nila. Nakakita ako dati ng Mini Cooper dun na nakapark sa labas. Sarap i-carnap. Hehe. At yung bass nila, potah. Yanig ang St. Scho. Grabe. Eto lang, di nauubusan ng mga gwapong tambay sa tapat. Busog mata mo. At kung suswertehin may magpapakilala. "God bless Benilde!" sabi nga ni Yannie, yung dati kong kikay na blockmate. Amen ako diyan!

Friday Scribbles

 

I woke up today having a hoarse voice after a night of belting along to my newly purchased CD of tearjerking love songs, which resulted from an eye-opening session of romantic counsels. What struck me the most was George Michael's "Kissing A Fool." Hmm, I wonder why. Haha. Of course, I know exactly why. Played and listened to it for a gazillion times. It was my first encounter of the ballad though, and it was captivatingly beautiful.

I feel funny. Not funny hilarious but funny pathetic. I recently have this habit of blogging, editing it momentarily, trashing it days later, and then saving it to My Documents for my own personal reading consumption. Sometimes with the absence of the latter. For quite some time, the spur of emotional instability has led me focused on a certain someone and something rather than write an array of issues worthy of the public's time and attention. There's absolutely nothing wrong in letting the whole world know a part of you, especially if you want to reach out to someone, if you want to be read by someone and then eagerly hope for a reaction, and most especially if you want to address some sweet or bittersweet concerns, of which you have carefully thought of and of which you can't just randomly utter, to someone. I believe we are all guilty of this. That no matter how you craftily, poetically, or anonymously guise the pieces, the subject at hand, having read, somehow would still know because that's what you've intended to achieve in the first place. However, a certain annoyance creeps into me whenever I peruse through my past blogs, of which many a topic would be the seed of my emotional outbursts. The sight and thought of reliving once upon a time was not a fairy tale after all. Not even slightly close to what I had dreamed, hoped, prayed, and wished for. Uh-uh. In many aspects, the results of my actions didn’t turn out the way I had intended them to be. I was always, always at the losing end. No happily ever after. Eventually, I just have the same gut inclination to delete an entry as I have the excitement and anticipation to compose one. Thus, the birth of blogging-editing-trashing-(saving). I’m such a geeky loser.

For the nth time, I want to be positive, cheerful, and, something new, sickeningly kind. Everything I’m not. I’m so pessimistic in life that you just want to wish me dead. Well, I wish, too. Maybe I’m just apprehensive of a lot of things: trudging the unknown, falling many times, overcoming defeat, surviving failure – all of which are inevitable and necessary. Perhaps if I weren’t brought up in a sequestered, conventional, reserved, and overprotective environment, I wouldn’t be as such. Maybe. In addition, I yearn to be cheerful. Just happy, giddy, lively, fun. Very much so when Kim (Cameron Diaz) met George (Rupert Everett) for the very first time in a cathedral in “My Best Friend’s Wedding.” That kind of cheerfulness. Well, I thought I was with my naïve and puerile nature…or so I thought. Me and my petty assumptions. But out of the three, the latter appeals to me the most. Sickeningly kind. So sickening that it makes you sick with guilt. That whatever harm you do to me, intentional or unintentional, no amount of rage will ever consume me. Not even a trace of nuisance. No matter how you take me for granted, I will still carry a carefree and nonchalant smile just to parallel your baffling indifference. You’ll be so eaten up with guilt that you will be the one saying innumerable sorrys and thank yous to me, even for no apparent reason. I remember one of Jesus’ sagely quotes, “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” Kindness, meekness, and humbleness at its best. Yeah, maybe I’ll turn to you the other cheek…of my ass. Haha.