I hate how everything did not seem to fall into place. Up until now, I do not know how much effort I should have put in in the first place. There were some obvious opportunities that slipped because I let them; other times were just not meant to be. I tried controlling everything that it only ended up controlling me. I really cannot get out of this slump no matter how many times I told myself that it is finally over. How can you say that it is the end when you are stricken by guilt and regret for all the things that you did not or should do? I still believe that there is hope; that we can change and amend for what was lost. But how can we really change the situation when we have no power over it? When opportunities seem evasive and few? How can you really take a chance when there are moral constrictions holding you back?
There are cases when I would just say that I should go for it; fight and just do it. But that sort of positive energy did not last for shame and embarrassment consumed me momentarily. I do not understand why I was torn, why I could not take the risk, why I sometimes think it was boring and lethargic. Maybe it was not worth it. I could not really feel it on the other end after all. Perhaps what I needed was assurance. Maybe that is what we all need – the assurance that everything will be worth it and everything will be okay. But am I worth it enough for that other end to even take the leap? That is another question. And I definitely believe so. If only they would just try.
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